i like being me sometimes...
i find my thoughts interesting..
things that no one can think of i will think of it
small things that doesnt matter gets me curious and frustrated
when i was young i used to think that i was the only one with a conscious
i thought that everyone else around me didnt have an inner voice and that i was all alone in this world
i thought i was the only one who can talk to myself 'internally'
and most of all i thought i was the only one who could think and everyone else was just a body living and breathing the same air as me..eating the same food as me
i didnt there ask anyone what to do with this inner voice of mine or how to stop thinking because at that time i knew they wouldnt understand since none of them was like me
so i carried on thinking
while walking to church
i would see someone cooking and i thought to myself he has no idea i am looking at him while thinking of him because he was just a body
and i would start smilling
my mum wold scold me for smilling to myself
she said people who smiled to themselves was crazy and everyone avoids crazy people
i didnt care because everyone else was just a body but i was different
i can talk to myself without others knowing
i would go to church and see people pray out loud
but i didnt because i could pray without anyone realising i was praying
i had me inside of me
i could talk to me
i could make fun of something and only me and me knew
i could tell a lie and only me and me knew
i could walk alone in the playground and not be scared because i knew me was with me
i was in my own world
i was not scared because others was just a body
but soon these bodies started becoming scary
the seem to scare you with words and actions even though they were just bodies
when the bodies seem to get scarier
i started clinging on to my mother
eventhough she was a body she was still my mother
my mother was a different kind of body
she made me so therefore she was a special body
so i went on with my childhood clinging on to my mother
but still with me inside of me
i wasnt fearless as before but i still did things with me
i shared thoughts with me
i dont really remember whether me shared anything with me

i wonder what happen to me
was me such a small thing that as i grow older me didnt matter
did me dissapear when i found out that i was not the only one with an inner 'me'
is me still inside of me
i think it is
i just have to dig it out
to remember my childhoods innocence i need me
to remeber my childhood boldness i needed me
to remember my childhoods smile i needed me
to remember the small things that me and me shared i needed me
so i guess me never left me
and guess what???
i just shared a joke with me..AND I AM SMILLING TO MYSELF=)

i am in a 'P-H-A-S-E

which is totally un-tahan-ble and also un-believe-able

i mean to say i cant stand it and i cant believe i am going through it..

once again i 'never expected it'

to go in details about i am going through is a bit emberrasing and also overwhelming

i am trying to comfort myself with the facts that 'P-H-A-S-E-S' will pass

only memories and experience remains

so...

my question to myself is when is this DAMM PHASE GOING TO PASS

i tried to look back at all the phases i went throughout 20 years of my life

but cant really remember went i lived out those phases

i am writting in circles

a circle which has no end

OMG

I am losing my mind

is this a different phase??

OMG again

i am still in this circle

I AM WRITING IN CIRCLES

THAT HAS NO END

hmmm..

what the hell

i am thinking

no wonder

i am in a circle

i shouldnt think, then i will be out of the the circle and in a box..

hopefully a blue box

a pretty blue box..

i am 21 now..

i remember stuff that has happened in my life but

what exactly i want to remember the most?????

lets see..

i will just sart from my earliest memory

my insecurities whenever my mum is not around..

i will cry whenever i dont see her

it annoyed everyone around me

they gave me the nickname 'crybaby' which till this day they refuse to let it go.=.=

my childhood

i enjoyed my time with my cousins.

although they are mean

'boys will always be boys'

that is how i comforted myself whenever they bully me

but the fun times was the most memorable

Primary school was a nightmare!

i hated it there

i was never happy there

i never fitted in no matter how hard i try

i was always alone there

never found a friend i could trust or even share a joke with

Then there was cathecism classes

i hated it

i was always alone there to

Thank God for Cindy

she was the only friend i had there

we were together till we finished the cathecism classes

for about 12 years

i wonder how she is now?

we lost contact when cathecism classes ended

maybe one day i will meet her in church again

then we can catch up

Secondary school was my favourite time of my life

i did struggle with a different kind of insecurity

but that was always left behind me

i meet great friends there

Mei Yee was the first person who started me on my journey to learning mandarin

then Xue Ying came to help..the rest is just came in place..

Wei Ling was the first person i had a conversation with in that school

Adeline was the first person who spoke to me

Mei Xin was the first person i didnt like even before speaking to her.. but in the 5 years of secondary school she was my best friend

Xue Ying was always there

in the first few years i always thought of her as a good friend only but when i reached form 5 that was when i knew and felt she was my best friend for life

Xue Ying, if you are reading this..i am sorry i took so long to see what a true friend you were

Then there was Wei Ling and Vanessa

my godness they always made me laugh especially Vanessa and when Wei Ling is there it was always fun

Thank you guys for always making me laugh and smile

i still remember your jokes and stories especially Vanessa's

Mei Xin, she was there for me and never abandoned me she was a good friend

but the both of us made the biggest mistake anyone could ever make in a friendship and that is why we will never be what we used to be

but we did share a beautifull friendship and because of this friendship i made even more best friends

Then i went to NS relunctantly...

i was scared but even there i meet good friends

Xue Fen,Bibi, and also Chan Lee and not forgetting Suat Peng

they were my real friends there

Chan Lee and Xue Fen was always staring at my teeth

Hope they are fine and doing well

Then i went to college

it was not the right decision but it was my decision

i wasnt ready to make a big decision like this

and i did it the wrong way

but in this college i met great friends again

Diana, Wen Nee, Ikhwan, Sez Wei..and others

and also not forgetting someone important,,Xue Ying

yes we went to the same college

we said we would go to the same college together when we were in secondary school and we did it.=)

City Square was our hangout

we always go there and chat, window shop but never to study=)))))))

Ikhwan Tharwan...one of my weirdest best friends

when i meet him he was lost

totally lost but refuse to admit it

one of my true friends who is there when i need him and also doesnt hold back his thoughts about anything from me to my friends, strangers his grandmothers maid and also has the tendency to speak like a ...well i am not sure what to call this kind of speaking...it involves sex.=.='

annoyed me in the beggining but now i am used to it

we never lost contact even until now=)

i didnt do well in this college

so i took the road that i was always running away from

Its amazing how i reached this road

i never thought this was my destiny

no..wait... i never wanted this road to be my destiny

but it is now...

by each decision i made in my life so far i reached this road...

come to think of it, i chose this road by myself with every decision i made in my life so far...

Life is really unpredictable even more unpredictable is the human itself...^^

I am now in a different college now

starting from the bottom and working my way up..slowly but steadily

The road i chose is Nursing

its a challenging road with a lot of burden to be selfless and noble

i am not going to be selfless or even noble just because this road reguires me to

if i ever become that it will be because i want to and it comes from the bottom of my heart

I can be a great nurse but i want to be a great nurse who is still Daphne Fernandez=)

Did i mention Ikhwan is in this college too

Yup..........i was so damm happy when i heard he was going to study here

we meet up sometimes and Ikhwan is still Ikhwan with a bit more happiness in him

I meet a few good friends here...we are the loudest when we are together no matter where we go..

we help each other and we strive together to reach our goals

I am not going to mention them here

i am going to save this for another post

because i still have a lomg way to go before i make the next decision which road to go

To myself, thank for all the decisions you made whether good or bad

i met great people some still in my life some jare the happiest memory i ever had

whatever it is, i met them i felf their love and support and most imporantly i shared great friendship with them..so to myself thank you=))))))))

Reality....

In 1993 Kevin Carter made a trip to Southern Sudan and took this picture.The picture would later bring him the Pulitzer Prize but also death. the child had stop to rest while struggling to reach a refugee camp...nearby a vulture is waiting for the child to die....it is a horrific picture that gave people the true look at the dire condition in sub-Saharan Africa. Kevin Carter then came under a lot of scrutiny for spending over 20 minutes setting up the photo instead of helping the child. 3 months after the picture was taken..he commited suicide..

He said: Dear God,

I promise I will never waste my food no matter how bad it can taste and how full I may be. I pray that He will protect this little boy, guide and deliver him away from his misery. I pray that we will be more sensitive towards the world around us and not be blinded by our own selfish nature and interests.

I hope this picture will always serve as a reminder to us that how fortunate we are and that we must never ever take things for granted. Let's make a prayer for the suffering in anywhere anyplace around the globe and send this friendly reminder to others "Think & look at this... when you complain about your food and the food we wasted daily........

13.2.2010
passed
felt relieved
but still feeling bad and awfull
when will this end?
it has to be soon
i am geting really old
and at he same time wasting my time

not looking forward to the 13.02.2010

have a bad feeling about that day. wish could escape it.but cant.so have to face it.damm.

i keep going through the same thing over and over again but i still cant change myself.

gosh. i am really weak with no determination to overcome it.

she really left me speechless...

its hard to say what the real reason is but i really dont like her...i dont hate her just dont like her..
we as students are here to get education that we dont have. we are here to get the skills that are necessary and we are paying..
what is the point of doing a job you are not good at it
what is the point of taking your monthly pay when when you are clearly taking advantage of your situation
you know that we will do anything just to pass our exams
you know that we are paying and dont want to waste our time
so for you..just talking and reading something that clearly you are not good at and putting fate on the line
she is clearly gambling with our lives.

PART 1
i am in this road
i made the choice and i am sticking with it till the end
i am going to be the best
an excellent one

yet this road is really a difficult one

which one isnt right?

i chose this road alone

no one influenced me

just me

so right now it feels like i am walking alone

dont be mistaken, i am not complaining

its just walking alone its starting to weigh up..

i dont know how to explain nor do i know how to tell someone about it..

i dont think its meant to be told...its meant for me to deal with it alone..

PART 2

alone

this word its really a part of my life

i like being alone

that is when i shut the entire world out and the only ones left is me, myself and i

it gives me chance to comfort myself

there are certain things that i cant say out

i dont wish to say out

so the only way for me get through it its just by comforting myself( it works though)

but sometimes

it gets really difficult to deal somethings alone

i cant complain

because complaining means i cant do it

i cant cry because i dont want and will not look weak

i know its stupid to feel this way

i wouldnt want my friends to be thinking this way

but if you know me then you should know my own advice doesnt work for me

i know i can do this

i can get through this

i know i can

i have to

but sometimes my own weakness gets the best of me

and everything falls back to square one

and i have to start all over

but i wont complain because if its something i have to do to be the best i will do it

PART 3

i am pushing myself to be the best

i dont want other people to force me to be the best

i want to be the one forcing myself

so if i make a mistake

i can blame myself

if insecurity comes in i have to blame myself

if others can do it well and i cant i have to blame myself

i am my own judge

PART4

i beg myself to be the best

PART 5

i cant cry so i smile

PART6

i will get through this. i know i will.. and as for my friends dont worry...my life is worth too much for me to be sad and depressed =))

i am really fine now..

just leave me alone..

I am so frustrated with myself

i cant sleep

i cant think straight

my mind is blank

i am restless

i feel guilty

i am really tired

not looking forward to christmas at all this year

i know what to expect

and i dont ant to face it

is exhausting...

both of them are exhausting me

they are exhausting me

i just want to be left alone

i dont want to talk

just...

left alone...

its getting more complicated...

dont know what to do...

follow my way or follow the right way...

scared to follow my way

but really want to follow my own way...

i want to scream...

P.S: i really really hate spiders.....

today was not a good day...

i dont know how to explain..

maybe i will forget it tomorrow

hopefully

dont want to talk about it

it happens all the time

and it.bothers.me.all.the.time

but i will forget about it

and remember it when it happens..

its just my thought

Love is the reason...

why do people get in a relationship?

why do people have to be together?

why...must they be together?

if you love someone must you be together with that someone?

what can you achieve by being together?

what kind of fufilment do you get by being together?

Lets just say that you are with that special someone that you 'love'

then why do you end the relationship?

is it because you stop loving that person?

Can one really stop loving someone they loved so much that you had to be together with that person?

Then theorically love brought you both together and also love brought you apart??

in a hope... that one day we wont end up like them...............

finally i am updating my blog...............

recently i was posted to a nursing home for my clinical training
and all i can say is that i thought heartless children only lived in television
its sad to see these elderly here
i mean every one of them wants to go home...
i can understand that feeling...
even when i am in college i want to go home
its the only place one can find real comfort
its the only place you can be yourself
but the elderly here cant really be at home
some of their children have really reasonable reasons for putting their parents there
some is just outright absurd..[they will rot in hell for doing this]
i dont want to ever do this to my mum
i can never do this to my mum
i will kill myself first before my mum enters any nursing home

there was a lady around the age of 50 to 60 to 70
i am not sure
but she suffered from stroke
became paralyse in one side
she came there to recover
and her recovery progress was really fast
but each morning after she had her shower
she would cry
she would tell us that she never expected this to happen to her
it just happened
then last week she was suppose to go home
i could feel she was excited
i know she wanted to go home
so her husband and son came to fetch her
she keep reminding her husband to learn from the nurses there
how to move her
how to carry her
and all that she left i heard one of the staff say that she will be at home only for a few days
her husband and son are going to transfer her to another nursing home in johor
what the!@#$%^&**()
the way a human heart works is really a mystery
they may have their reasons
but.... that lady....
that lady only have them to turn to in her life

if i could see the future and know that one day i might be bedridden and the man that i married and the children that i gave birth to and brought would up put me in a nursing home because they cant cope.... i pray to god to let me remain single and lonely.. let me live my life for someone something worthy....

one of the nurse said something that i think should be tattoed on anyone who sends their parents to a nursing home because they are just too busy.....
'....we take care of the elderly here, we do our best in caring for them, we spend our
time helping them recover in one hope that we wont end up like them.....'

each drop of sweat your parents shed after your birth is for your future
each time they cry is for the hope their children to live a better life
each moment you cry is a stab to their hearts
but
each drop of sweat you shed is for your own self
each time you cry is for yourself
each moment they cry
you can never feel the pain
because
you chose not to..

change

how does a person change?

does changing bring a lot of difference in life?

what is change?

being someone you're not is changing.

is it a bad thing to be someone you are not?

if being someone you are not gives you happiness and fufillment then i think its a good thing.

if being someone you are not gives you happiness but misery to those around you ....

then is this chnage good or bad?

do you forsake others for your own happiness or forsake yourself for their happiness?

who comes first, yourself or the people around you?

how do you change without forsaking anyone's happiness?

Forsake yourself for others happiness is being noble.

Forsake others for your happiness is being true to yourself.

so which should i choose?

6 days before i tell my mother the truth
hopefully she doesnt find out before that...

what does it feels like to be locked outside your own house

it feels like.....

when you lose your wallet which is full of water

+

when you start running around the world only to find out in the end the world have run out of water

+

not being able to say anything suddenly because out of no where you lost your voice

yup.. as you have already guessed i was locked out of my house

i forgot to bring my house key when i left

but i thought it didnt matter since my brother was at home

after waitinng so long for a bus and i was so happy to be finally home

i rang the doorbell with the hope that my wonderfull brother will open the door for me...

i rang the doorbell for atleast 5 minutes

the only doors that opened was my neighbours... even they could hear my doorbelll but only my wonderfull brother couldnt

i called his stupid handphone 20 times the only voice i heard was

"the person you dialled is currently unavailable..plese try again later"

yes.. after 20 calls i have made a conclusion that her mother only taught her to say that line...

poor thing

so i continued to knock and ring the doorbell

the whole block heard it except for my darling brother

so at this point my mind was not at a normal level

so i did something that i would not have done if my mind was at a normal level

i went down to the ground floor....

i went towards where my brothers window was located....(that was what i thought)

and i screamed on top of my voice calling my brothers name and also some very not pleasent words...(keep in mind my mind was not at a normal level)

so basically i screamed until i ran out of breath

eveyone was looking of of their window

except for my brother

then

i realise

my brothers

window was

not located at where i thought it was

it was at the opposite side

yes

i totally felt that i lost my mind at that time

so i went to the opposite side

and screamed for my brother

and out of no where i heard

"WHAT"

from my brothers window

i still had some energy to screamed from the ground floor and scold him

i had every right to scold him

only thing i should have done it when i was in my house... my bad

after that i was never seen a a polite young lady anymore in my neighbours eyes

when i went up to my house my neighbours were laughing and the only thing i could have said was

desperate times calls for desperate measures.

MY SPECIAL DAY

My special day….

8 june 2008…
i met xue ying at city square at 12.00 pm
she wanted to treat me lunch
so we went to VIVO
from the time I met her at mc donalds till we were at VIVO she kept saying she was disappointed with Wen Nee for not being able to celebrate my birthday with me
Knowing Xue Ying for many years already I knew she was up to something..
Because she will never be angry with someone she is close with her unless that someone makes her feel like a fool.
So I knew she would never be angry with Wen Nee
So to not make her feel that I knew what was going on
I went along with her story…
Then after a while at VIVO..
Wen Nee popped out…
I knew they were going to surprise me but I didn’t expect to get a shock out of it…
I was shaking after that
So my dear Xue Ying I was not surprised I was shocked..
Then after lunch my dear friend Ikhwan brought out the Caramel Pudding he made …
At that moment I was so touched….
The pudding was very delicious…
I feel bad I coulnt finish it
Because it was really a large portion
But I loved it
My dear friend Ikhwan was also the first person to wish me
So I would like to take this opportunity to thank him
For everything…
Then there is my new ‘lover’ Wen Nee..
I thank you so much for tha hand-made Birthday Card
I really love it
I would tressure the card you Made for me for the rest of my life
Then there was also Sez Hui
She is really afraid of pudding
So I guess it was really a torture for her to see a large pudding
So I would like to thank her for being there and not complaining even after seeing a large pudding

Then there was the very cute Joanne
She is really very cute
Even though we got to know each other only for a short while
She never made me feel that way
She made me feel like I have known her for ages
She will always laugh for no special reason
Thank you so much for celebrating my birthday with me
Thank you for making a long journey from Kulai to spend my birthday with me
Then there was also Koo…
We used to call him anti- social
Because he never liked going out
But he changed a lot..
Thank you so much for making it that day
I wont forget our deal.
Then there is my dearest best friend Ng Xue Ying a.k.a orangeyou made my day a special day
She called me while she was watching movie in the cinema with
Lydia, Pinky and Pui Yee
Lydia sang a portion of the birthday song for me and the rest of them wished me.. Thanks so much
After today I can make a conclusion orange is not very good at lying
Thank you so much for the surprise and the shock
I really appreciate it
Orange was also the last person to wish me happy birthday and also the first to wish me happy belated birthday
Wen Nee, Sez Hui, Joanne, Ikhwan, Koo, and also my dearest Xue Ying
Thank you so much for a wonderfull day
I really appreciate it
To those who remembered my birthday

Thank you so much…
I really appreciate it.

wont be updating my blog for a while.maybe after my exam.......really sorry about it.......

i have been feeling really lousy these few days........and worst of all i really dont know why........

weird right.........

anyway nothing much is going on in my life these days

just the daily routine of attending class doing homework..........

i really want to be rebellious and do stuff that i normally wont dare to do.........

i want to scold all sorts of bad words and throw insults at people who make me feel lousy

i want to go out late night and get drunk without having to consider about my mum

i want to yell at my family for chosing money over family

i want to travel around the world without any

worries............

what i am asking and wishing for right now seems really impossible but i still have this tiny little ray of hope maybe it will happe.........