i am really fine now..

just leave me alone..

I am so frustrated with myself

i cant sleep

i cant think straight

my mind is blank

i am restless

i feel guilty

i am really tired

not looking forward to christmas at all this year

i know what to expect

and i dont ant to face it

is exhausting...

both of them are exhausting me

they are exhausting me

i just want to be left alone

i dont want to talk

just...

left alone...

its getting more complicated...

dont know what to do...

follow my way or follow the right way...

scared to follow my way

but really want to follow my own way...

i want to scream...

P.S: i really really hate spiders.....

today was not a good day...

i dont know how to explain..

maybe i will forget it tomorrow

hopefully

dont want to talk about it

it happens all the time

and it.bothers.me.all.the.time

but i will forget about it

and remember it when it happens..

its just my thought

Love is the reason...

why do people get in a relationship?

why do people have to be together?

why...must they be together?

if you love someone must you be together with that someone?

what can you achieve by being together?

what kind of fufilment do you get by being together?

Lets just say that you are with that special someone that you 'love'

then why do you end the relationship?

is it because you stop loving that person?

Can one really stop loving someone they loved so much that you had to be together with that person?

Then theorically love brought you both together and also love brought you apart??

in a hope... that one day we wont end up like them...............

finally i am updating my blog...............

recently i was posted to a nursing home for my clinical training
and all i can say is that i thought heartless children only lived in television
its sad to see these elderly here
i mean every one of them wants to go home...
i can understand that feeling...
even when i am in college i want to go home
its the only place one can find real comfort
its the only place you can be yourself
but the elderly here cant really be at home
some of their children have really reasonable reasons for putting their parents there
some is just outright absurd..[they will rot in hell for doing this]
i dont want to ever do this to my mum
i can never do this to my mum
i will kill myself first before my mum enters any nursing home

there was a lady around the age of 50 to 60 to 70
i am not sure
but she suffered from stroke
became paralyse in one side
she came there to recover
and her recovery progress was really fast
but each morning after she had her shower
she would cry
she would tell us that she never expected this to happen to her
it just happened
then last week she was suppose to go home
i could feel she was excited
i know she wanted to go home
so her husband and son came to fetch her
she keep reminding her husband to learn from the nurses there
how to move her
how to carry her
and all that she left i heard one of the staff say that she will be at home only for a few days
her husband and son are going to transfer her to another nursing home in johor
what the!@#$%^&**()
the way a human heart works is really a mystery
they may have their reasons
but.... that lady....
that lady only have them to turn to in her life

if i could see the future and know that one day i might be bedridden and the man that i married and the children that i gave birth to and brought would up put me in a nursing home because they cant cope.... i pray to god to let me remain single and lonely.. let me live my life for someone something worthy....

one of the nurse said something that i think should be tattoed on anyone who sends their parents to a nursing home because they are just too busy.....
'....we take care of the elderly here, we do our best in caring for them, we spend our
time helping them recover in one hope that we wont end up like them.....'

each drop of sweat your parents shed after your birth is for your future
each time they cry is for the hope their children to live a better life
each moment you cry is a stab to their hearts
but
each drop of sweat you shed is for your own self
each time you cry is for yourself
each moment they cry
you can never feel the pain
because
you chose not to..