i like being me sometimes...
i find my thoughts interesting..
things that no one can think of i will think of it
small things that doesnt matter gets me curious and frustrated
when i was young i used to think that i was the only one with a conscious
i thought that everyone else around me didnt have an inner voice and that i was all alone in this world
i thought i was the only one who can talk to myself 'internally'
and most of all i thought i was the only one who could think and everyone else was just a body living and breathing the same air as me..eating the same food as me
i didnt there ask anyone what to do with this inner voice of mine or how to stop thinking because at that time i knew they wouldnt understand since none of them was like me
so i carried on thinking
while walking to church
i would see someone cooking and i thought to myself he has no idea i am looking at him while thinking of him because he was just a body
and i would start smilling
my mum wold scold me for smilling to myself
she said people who smiled to themselves was crazy and everyone avoids crazy people
i didnt care because everyone else was just a body but i was different
i can talk to myself without others knowing
i would go to church and see people pray out loud
but i didnt because i could pray without anyone realising i was praying
i had me inside of me
i could talk to me
i could make fun of something and only me and me knew
i could tell a lie and only me and me knew
i could walk alone in the playground and not be scared because i knew me was with me
i was in my own world
i was not scared because others was just a body
but soon these bodies started becoming scary
the seem to scare you with words and actions even though they were just bodies
when the bodies seem to get scarier
i started clinging on to my mother
eventhough she was a body she was still my mother
my mother was a different kind of body
she made me so therefore she was a special body
so i went on with my childhood clinging on to my mother
but still with me inside of me
i wasnt fearless as before but i still did things with me
i shared thoughts with me
i dont really remember whether me shared anything with me

i wonder what happen to me
was me such a small thing that as i grow older me didnt matter
did me dissapear when i found out that i was not the only one with an inner 'me'
is me still inside of me
i think it is
i just have to dig it out
to remember my childhoods innocence i need me
to remeber my childhood boldness i needed me
to remember my childhoods smile i needed me
to remember the small things that me and me shared i needed me
so i guess me never left me
and guess what???
i just shared a joke with me..AND I AM SMILLING TO MYSELF=)

i am in a 'P-H-A-S-E

which is totally un-tahan-ble and also un-believe-able

i mean to say i cant stand it and i cant believe i am going through it..

once again i 'never expected it'

to go in details about i am going through is a bit emberrasing and also overwhelming

i am trying to comfort myself with the facts that 'P-H-A-S-E-S' will pass

only memories and experience remains

so...

my question to myself is when is this DAMM PHASE GOING TO PASS

i tried to look back at all the phases i went throughout 20 years of my life

but cant really remember went i lived out those phases

i am writting in circles

a circle which has no end

OMG

I am losing my mind

is this a different phase??

OMG again

i am still in this circle

I AM WRITING IN CIRCLES

THAT HAS NO END

hmmm..

what the hell

i am thinking

no wonder

i am in a circle

i shouldnt think, then i will be out of the the circle and in a box..

hopefully a blue box

a pretty blue box..

i am 21 now..

i remember stuff that has happened in my life but

what exactly i want to remember the most?????

lets see..

i will just sart from my earliest memory

my insecurities whenever my mum is not around..

i will cry whenever i dont see her

it annoyed everyone around me

they gave me the nickname 'crybaby' which till this day they refuse to let it go.=.=

my childhood

i enjoyed my time with my cousins.

although they are mean

'boys will always be boys'

that is how i comforted myself whenever they bully me

but the fun times was the most memorable

Primary school was a nightmare!

i hated it there

i was never happy there

i never fitted in no matter how hard i try

i was always alone there

never found a friend i could trust or even share a joke with

Then there was cathecism classes

i hated it

i was always alone there to

Thank God for Cindy

she was the only friend i had there

we were together till we finished the cathecism classes

for about 12 years

i wonder how she is now?

we lost contact when cathecism classes ended

maybe one day i will meet her in church again

then we can catch up

Secondary school was my favourite time of my life

i did struggle with a different kind of insecurity

but that was always left behind me

i meet great friends there

Mei Yee was the first person who started me on my journey to learning mandarin

then Xue Ying came to help..the rest is just came in place..

Wei Ling was the first person i had a conversation with in that school

Adeline was the first person who spoke to me

Mei Xin was the first person i didnt like even before speaking to her.. but in the 5 years of secondary school she was my best friend

Xue Ying was always there

in the first few years i always thought of her as a good friend only but when i reached form 5 that was when i knew and felt she was my best friend for life

Xue Ying, if you are reading this..i am sorry i took so long to see what a true friend you were

Then there was Wei Ling and Vanessa

my godness they always made me laugh especially Vanessa and when Wei Ling is there it was always fun

Thank you guys for always making me laugh and smile

i still remember your jokes and stories especially Vanessa's

Mei Xin, she was there for me and never abandoned me she was a good friend

but the both of us made the biggest mistake anyone could ever make in a friendship and that is why we will never be what we used to be

but we did share a beautifull friendship and because of this friendship i made even more best friends

Then i went to NS relunctantly...

i was scared but even there i meet good friends

Xue Fen,Bibi, and also Chan Lee and not forgetting Suat Peng

they were my real friends there

Chan Lee and Xue Fen was always staring at my teeth

Hope they are fine and doing well

Then i went to college

it was not the right decision but it was my decision

i wasnt ready to make a big decision like this

and i did it the wrong way

but in this college i met great friends again

Diana, Wen Nee, Ikhwan, Sez Wei..and others

and also not forgetting someone important,,Xue Ying

yes we went to the same college

we said we would go to the same college together when we were in secondary school and we did it.=)

City Square was our hangout

we always go there and chat, window shop but never to study=)))))))

Ikhwan Tharwan...one of my weirdest best friends

when i meet him he was lost

totally lost but refuse to admit it

one of my true friends who is there when i need him and also doesnt hold back his thoughts about anything from me to my friends, strangers his grandmothers maid and also has the tendency to speak like a ...well i am not sure what to call this kind of speaking...it involves sex.=.='

annoyed me in the beggining but now i am used to it

we never lost contact even until now=)

i didnt do well in this college

so i took the road that i was always running away from

Its amazing how i reached this road

i never thought this was my destiny

no..wait... i never wanted this road to be my destiny

but it is now...

by each decision i made in my life so far i reached this road...

come to think of it, i chose this road by myself with every decision i made in my life so far...

Life is really unpredictable even more unpredictable is the human itself...^^

I am now in a different college now

starting from the bottom and working my way up..slowly but steadily

The road i chose is Nursing

its a challenging road with a lot of burden to be selfless and noble

i am not going to be selfless or even noble just because this road reguires me to

if i ever become that it will be because i want to and it comes from the bottom of my heart

I can be a great nurse but i want to be a great nurse who is still Daphne Fernandez=)

Did i mention Ikhwan is in this college too

Yup..........i was so damm happy when i heard he was going to study here

we meet up sometimes and Ikhwan is still Ikhwan with a bit more happiness in him

I meet a few good friends here...we are the loudest when we are together no matter where we go..

we help each other and we strive together to reach our goals

I am not going to mention them here

i am going to save this for another post

because i still have a lomg way to go before i make the next decision which road to go

To myself, thank for all the decisions you made whether good or bad

i met great people some still in my life some jare the happiest memory i ever had

whatever it is, i met them i felf their love and support and most imporantly i shared great friendship with them..so to myself thank you=))))))))

Reality....

In 1993 Kevin Carter made a trip to Southern Sudan and took this picture.The picture would later bring him the Pulitzer Prize but also death. the child had stop to rest while struggling to reach a refugee camp...nearby a vulture is waiting for the child to die....it is a horrific picture that gave people the true look at the dire condition in sub-Saharan Africa. Kevin Carter then came under a lot of scrutiny for spending over 20 minutes setting up the photo instead of helping the child. 3 months after the picture was taken..he commited suicide..

He said: Dear God,

I promise I will never waste my food no matter how bad it can taste and how full I may be. I pray that He will protect this little boy, guide and deliver him away from his misery. I pray that we will be more sensitive towards the world around us and not be blinded by our own selfish nature and interests.

I hope this picture will always serve as a reminder to us that how fortunate we are and that we must never ever take things for granted. Let's make a prayer for the suffering in anywhere anyplace around the globe and send this friendly reminder to others "Think & look at this... when you complain about your food and the food we wasted daily........

13.2.2010
passed
felt relieved
but still feeling bad and awfull
when will this end?
it has to be soon
i am geting really old
and at he same time wasting my time

not looking forward to the 13.02.2010

have a bad feeling about that day. wish could escape it.but cant.so have to face it.damm.

i keep going through the same thing over and over again but i still cant change myself.

gosh. i am really weak with no determination to overcome it.

she really left me speechless...

its hard to say what the real reason is but i really dont like her...i dont hate her just dont like her..
we as students are here to get education that we dont have. we are here to get the skills that are necessary and we are paying..
what is the point of doing a job you are not good at it
what is the point of taking your monthly pay when when you are clearly taking advantage of your situation
you know that we will do anything just to pass our exams
you know that we are paying and dont want to waste our time
so for you..just talking and reading something that clearly you are not good at and putting fate on the line
she is clearly gambling with our lives.

PART 1
i am in this road
i made the choice and i am sticking with it till the end
i am going to be the best
an excellent one

yet this road is really a difficult one

which one isnt right?

i chose this road alone

no one influenced me

just me

so right now it feels like i am walking alone

dont be mistaken, i am not complaining

its just walking alone its starting to weigh up..

i dont know how to explain nor do i know how to tell someone about it..

i dont think its meant to be told...its meant for me to deal with it alone..

PART 2

alone

this word its really a part of my life

i like being alone

that is when i shut the entire world out and the only ones left is me, myself and i

it gives me chance to comfort myself

there are certain things that i cant say out

i dont wish to say out

so the only way for me get through it its just by comforting myself( it works though)

but sometimes

it gets really difficult to deal somethings alone

i cant complain

because complaining means i cant do it

i cant cry because i dont want and will not look weak

i know its stupid to feel this way

i wouldnt want my friends to be thinking this way

but if you know me then you should know my own advice doesnt work for me

i know i can do this

i can get through this

i know i can

i have to

but sometimes my own weakness gets the best of me

and everything falls back to square one

and i have to start all over

but i wont complain because if its something i have to do to be the best i will do it

PART 3

i am pushing myself to be the best

i dont want other people to force me to be the best

i want to be the one forcing myself

so if i make a mistake

i can blame myself

if insecurity comes in i have to blame myself

if others can do it well and i cant i have to blame myself

i am my own judge

PART4

i beg myself to be the best

PART 5

i cant cry so i smile

PART6

i will get through this. i know i will.. and as for my friends dont worry...my life is worth too much for me to be sad and depressed =))